i didn’t know this was my last Christmas service…

I’m sure the Christmas season can feel tender for a lot of us. I’ve been part of Christmas services for as long as I can remember— singing, acting, leading, holding candles, believing this was my highest calling. This video is from 2023. It was my last time leading a candlelight service… and I didn’t know it then. Deconstruction and reconstruction aren’t just intellectual journeys. They’re relational. They’re emotional. They come with loss, and holidays have a way of making that loss feel louder. If you went to a Christmas service tonight and it stirred something complicated; if this was your last one without realizing it; or if you stayed home because going felt like too much— I see you. I don’t lead worship in spaces like this anymore. I wrestle with my beliefs. I grieve what once felt certain. And yes, sometimes I miss using my voice in the way I once did. That grief is real. I’m learning to hold it without letting ego drive the story. This post isn’t about returning or rejecting, it’s about honoring what was, without pretending it didn’t matter. Wishing you gentleness tonight, wherever you land spiritually. Happy holidays 🤍🕯️ #deconstruction #megachurch #church #christmas #christian