What do you do when your kid’s Christmas prayer roasts the whole family?!

Christmas Eve at our house is always loud and messy. We sit around the Christmas tree, hold hands, and let one of the kids say a prayer before bed. This year, my 8-year-old daughter Lily calmly raised her hand and said she wanted to do it. That should have been my first warning. Lily started sweetly. “Dear God, thank you for Christmas and for our family.” I smiled and relaxed. Then Pepe, Lily’s parrot, suddenly yelled, “AMEN!” even though she wasn’t done. Everyone jumped. Lily didn’t even open her eyes. She just nodded like she expected it. Then Lily said, “God, please help Daddy stop saying he’s ‘just resting his eyes’ when he’s really snoring on the couch.” My husband opened one eye. Right then, Pepe made loud snoring noises. Uncle Jimmy fake-snored too, trying to be funny. My mom hit his arm. Aunt Nicole rolled her eyes and said, “At least someone sleeps.” Pepe repeated it louder: “AT LEAST SOMEONE SLEEPS.” Next Lily said, “And please help Mommy stop hiding snacks in the laundry room and blaming me when they go missing.” I gasped. I tried to speak, but Lily raised her hand like a judge. Pepe slowly turned toward me and yelled, “COOKIE THIEF.” Uncle Jimmy laughed so hard he almost fell over. Aunt Nicole crossed her arms and said, “Even the bird knows.” Lily turned toward her teenage brother. “God, please help my brother remember to shower more than once a week, because his room smells really bad.” My son’s face turned red. Pepe flapped his wings and shouted, “STINKY BOY!” Aunt Nicole sniffed the air and said, “I noticed it right away.” I hoped Lily was done, but she kept going. “And God, please help Uncle Mike find a job, or stop saying he’s ‘between big opportunities.’” Uncle Mike stared at the floor. Pepe yelled, “GET A JOB.” Uncle Jimmy patted Mike’s back and said, “That’s rough, man.” Aunt Nicole nodded and said, “True though.” Then Lily tilted her head. “And God, please help Uncle Jimmy stop telling the same story about how he almost met a celebrity. We hear it every Christmas.” Uncle Jimmy bowed like he won a prize. Pepe screamed, “BORING STORY!” and almost fell off his perch. Everyone laughed hard. Then Lily’s voice got serious. “And God, please help Aunt Nicole stop being mean and calling it ‘being honest.’ It hurts people’s feelings.” The room went quiet. Pepe slowly turned to Aunt Nicole and said, “MEAN.” Aunt Nicole stopped smiling. For a moment, I thought there would be a fight. Instead, Aunt Nicole laughed a little and said, “Wow. Even God and the parrot are calling me out.” Pepe yelled, “YES.” No one laughed. It felt very real.