Shame Response in Narcissistic People

A person can act on their feeling of shame by becoming more emotional and developing feelings of anger and blame. For example, someone who is feeling ashamed for something—maybe they feel ugly or believe they aren’t worthy enough—they may start to feel anger and will lash out on someone else and make them feel about something instead. It’s a classic case of bullying if you think about it: using someone else as a scapegoat for feelings. This is just one of many examples that we can use. Shame and narcissism are deeply connected. When you look at someone who is expressing narcissistic characteristics, if you take a deeper look, you’ll likely discover that these characteristics are there due to a deep feeling of shame around something, although you may not be completely aware of what that is because in most cases, it is not super obvious. Because the shame is causing them to feel a lack, or unworthiness about something, they revert to a self-serving behavioral pattern that makes them feel more in control. This can show up as; superiority or entitlement the need for attention or validation Perfectionism Obsessively need more control Gaslighting, blaming, and deflecting (not taking responsibility for their words and actions) Lack of boundaries (showing up as the need to know every detail of events or situations) Lack of empathy Highly defensive Emotional reasoning Extreme fear of rejection and ridicule (showing up as unhealthy coping mechanisms when they experience this) Anxiety Inability to truly be vulnerable Difficulty being a team player Shame isn’t the cure, it is the cause for the behavior. Don’t let narcissistic behavior fool you that there is a lack of shame. Shame is almost always the driving factor in the self serving behavior. Although it can be tough to really see past the narcissistic behavior, there is almost always extreme fear and lack of self worth that is guiding the individual to show up in this way. And the worst thing you can do is add more shame on top of shame.