Marist 2012 - Halftime

The Cleverest Band in the World (™) is back. Check the rest of the description to read the script for this show, and make sure to visit us on Facebook, Twitter (@CUMB), and at cuband.org. G(tb)^2. --------------- SCRIPT: Ladies and gentlemen, and media watchdogs, back despite violating journalistic ethics, it's the most plagiarizing band in the world, the Columbia University Marching every single reporter ever, apparently! [Fanfare] Featuring: J. Jonah Lehrer: Ctrl-C J. Fareed Zakaria: Ctrl-V and J. The Band: Computer geniuses. [Fanfare] As well as the first half of a Tim Tebow pass going up, the second half of a Tim Tebow pass skittering along the ground, and the New York Jets at an all-time "shockingly competent," the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to divine intervention! [Who Owns] What's black and white and assembled by suspiciously youthful laborers in Shēnzhèn, China? The iPhone 5 of course! After months of speculation, Apple finally unveiled the marginally better version of an existing thing, which itself is a marginally better version of the previous thing. The exciting new iPhone offers tons of useful features: each device comes with a larger screen, improved data speeds, and the creeping sensation that your very existence is being outsourced to electronic devices at the expense of real human interaction. And it's got impressive battery life too! Make sure to buy one quick, because Apple's got a patent pending on not owning an iPhone. In honor of a year's worth of innovation, the Band now forms an iPhone upgrade and plays "Call Me Maybe." [Formation: Vertical rectangle that changes into a slightly longer vertical rectangle. Song: "Call Me Maybe."] Of course, the iPhone comes with "personal assistant" Siri, which is famous for finding restaurants, scheduling meetings, and giving the illusion that you actually have a female companion to talk to. The Middle East, on the other hand, comes with Syria, which is famous for violence against civilians, autocracy, and chicken shawarma. Damascus got a little closer to home this semester when we learned that Sheherazad Jaafari, former media adviser to Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, is studying at Columbia's School of International and Public Affairs. Ms. Jaafari, the daughter of Syria's ambassador to the United Nations, speaks five languages and is often referred to as "the Syrian Kim Kardashian" because of her family connections, good looks, and ability to serve as the mouthpiece for a totalitarian regime. However, given that Kim Kardashian has yet to master even one language, maybe the comparison falls a little flat. In honor of a real Syrian bombshell, the Band now forms the streets of Aleppo and plays "Dynamite." [Formation: Amorph. Song: "Dynamite."] Meanwhile, over in Spain, the elderly are finally making the news for something other than dying. Cecilia Gimenez, a parishioner at a local Roman Catholic church, took it upon herself to restore a deteriorating fresco of Jesus Christ titled 'Ecce Homo'. And by "restore," we mean she wiped Jesus' face off and replaced it with the likeness of a monkey imitating The Scream. The portrait is now being examined by real art historians -- you know, professionals who use colored pencils instead of crayons— but they aren't optimistic that they can resurrect this Jesus from the dead. Meanwhile, the motivation behind Cecilia's little art project remains a mystery. Maybe this sassy grandma is just more fabulous than the rest of us and she wanted to give Jesus a makeover...his style really is so Old Testament. In no time, TLC will be offering this sassy grandma the chance to host her own transformative television program. At best, participants will end up in a garish Christmas sweater and orthotic shoes, but apparently they're more likely to end up looking like a deflated balloon with a massive neck beard. In honor of a facelift gone wrong, the band now forms Cecilia's masterpiece and plays Livin' on a Prayer. [Formation: Face. Song: "Prayer."]